The Best Laid Plans of Wolves and Men
by s. du jour
Summary: Jacob plans the first time he kisses Bella in Eclipse. It all falls to pieces.


**Written because I wanted Jacob's take on the whole squicky forcekissing situation.**

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><p>You're bursting. You've been thinking about it for a week. You choose a day. You're going to tell her you love her and show her so in little ways first so that she understands gradually and then she's going to realise she's in love with you and then you'll kiss her and she'll stand on tiptoes to reach for more of you and wrap her arms around your neck and you'll hold her face and her waist so so gently and you'll be calm and everything you've gone through will be worth it. It has to be perfect. Like she is.<p>

You know what to do now and it makes you even more anxious because you're sure she knows already but this is _it_. This is when you declare yourself and make her _know_. Like a knight asking for the favour of a lady.

As she approaches the boundary line escorted by the bloodsucker you can't stop your anticipation. You know he can hear everything you're thinking and you don't want to give him the edge. But. But you're so excited that it plays out in your head over and over. You're so tired from staying up so many nights to guard her from threats that any attempt not to think of what's going to happen today is useless. But you're so in love that you don't care what he's thinking about you or anything he says to her cause all that matters is her.

And when you sit down to hang out with her you're still so tired and so happy that she's finally back with you where she's always belonged that you fall asleep. Properly asleep because she's here now and you don't have to worry about her when she's right next to you. And then the next thing you know you're awake and it's so much later and you're running out of time and you have to tell her because you promised yourself you'd tell her today. You need to tell her so she knows that you love her and so she knows that there's another way. She can stay human and you can grow old with her and you'll listen to her heartbeat and be grateful forever. Every grey hair and every wrinkle will make her more beautiful. Like a warm bright angel.

You take a deep breath and look into her eyes. And somehow you manage to get only the Cliffs Notes version out but it's enough. It's got everything important that you needed to say in there. It was easier than you thought and so much less complicated and it's finally _out_ and you're so relieved and you know she's going to choose you in the end because you love her and deep down she loves you back. You can't help but smile. It's an involuntary reaction. Like when you burn yourself and you pull back straight away.

She's confused and she turns to leave but this is a conversation that you need to have and you're not letting her get out of this one. She's been slippery about this for too long and you need to get some things straight because truth be told it hurts you every so often. Times like when you see them kiss or when she gets that look in her eye when she talks about him or even when you hold her and she leans into you but she doesn't think she means it the way you do.

She tells you she doesn't want you to leave her and that she loves you but that she's not in love with you. Right now that's enough for you because finally she's more than half way to realising the truth. She just wants to be able to put you in a 'friend' box but that's not enough for you. She needs to know that she's going to have to play by your rules because those are the only ones left. Friend boxes just aren't working for you and by now you've thrown out the one with her name on it so that the only box left for her is the one labelled 'something more'.

You tell her you're determined to fight for her because you've known for a long time now that she feels something for you. And you realise you've got to do it now before you lose the chance. It's like you're on the edge of a cliff and you're balanced too precariously not to fall off and lose yourself to the mercy of your impulses.

So you kiss her. Too roughly. You know that but you're out of time and you've got to let her _know_. You can't hold it in any longer. You love her too much and you want her to want you too.

She tries to push you away so you kiss her harder. She stops resisting. And then you realise that this isn't what either of you want it to be like. You don't want anger and you don't want to force her. It's not perfect after all. Not perfect by a long shot. You've done this all wrong and you can taste the regret. It's like bile.

So you try again. This time you kiss her softly, three times. It's an apology and a first kiss do-over the way it should have been and a way to say 'I love you' in a way nobody misunderstands. You've done all you can do. Surely she'll recognise that.

And then she punches you in the face and breaks her hand because of it and tells you she loves _him _and you put a brave face on and prepare to start again as it all. falls. down.

You know what this reminds you of.

It's like a house of cards that somebody who was overconfident went and moved just a little too close to.

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><p><strong>...yeah, okay, I kinda deviated from canon at the end. But Jacob's so darn <em>arrogant<em> after he kisses her! I can understand it a little bit, but not lasting through the rest of the book, like it did. It's not really him at all. Thoughts?**


End file.
